today

it is difficult today as it has been for the last few days. Like, even more difficult than already. I miss you so much and the pain cuts me into pieces. I am a different person, and I sometimes don’t know how the hell to go on. Or why.

I might also be on withdrawal from tone of the meds. It has shielded me a bit these last months since we parted. Since we had to part. I am driving, all is fine and suddenly I want to pull over and just cry. Cry into this stupid steering wheel, cry until I am exhausted and fall asleep. I am standing in line at one of our favourite stores (the Italian Centre), waiting to order my coffee, looking at the pastries and how you loved them, how you smiled at me when we came here together, and I want to break down and sit on the floor and cry. Cry until the pain stops. Cry until someone comes and says it never happened, and you never left. You only went to the washroom. - What I wouldn’t give for you to be here again. I come home and all I want to do is cry. Scream. Be mad at this world and the universe and all the Gods and I cannot blame anybody because this is not how death works. But I miss you so much. And I miss you so much.

Where are you now??